Life is a curious thing. This path we walk on, this adventure we play out. There really seems no way to wrap my brain around it when I try to think about it logically. For instance, when we have everything we thought we wanted, sometimes that is when we feel least satisfied. And when there is sooo much we don't have, but we are looking to God for fulfillment and trusting that He will give us what we need when we need it, then we are so happy and joyful and fulfilled... even if there are some things we think we really, really want, but don't have. Logically, having what I want = happiness and perfect life; not having what I want = discontent and miserableness. But that just is not how it works. Not in my life anyway. And not in the lives I've observed in my (relatively) few years.
I'm finding more and more that when I stray from God, when I start living for me and not Him, I lose my peaceful, contented feeling deep down. I start feeling like I'm not able to reach out to others. I get weary sooner. There really is only one solution to fulfillment in life. Not money, houses, horses, acceptance from others, making cool movies or books or being creative, husbands or anything else... except Jesus. God and God alone.
Something I know deep down is true, but is so hard to carry out, is that I can only find fulfillment in God. Not in my husband. He is amazing, and I love him more than any other human being in some way I can't fathom. He takes care of me and I of him. He is my companion and best friend. He is so special and more than I could ever ask for. But if I look to him to fulfill everything I need... well, it's just going to make him feel inadequate - when he isn't inadequate at all! Because ONLY God can do that. Can ALWAYS be there. Can give me a deep sense of peace and belonging. To ask that of my husband, is asking the impossible.
I can't wait for the sunshine to return. For the balmy air and birds. For the days when I can sit or stroll outside and just BE in God's creation and feel Him and talk to Him. And... for the fun strolls with my husband in nature as we grow closer to Him together, standing in awe of what He has created.
"Lord, please help me to have the right outlook on life. To have a right heart. To be a vessel for You, rather than try to make Your plan fit into my imagination of what You want me to do and be."
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Enough deepness for now. 
A couple weeks ago I was having fun with self portraits in soft light. Here's a few of the outcomes (I would have done them of my husband, except he was working. So I took them of myself FOR him. 
)
I love the soft light coming from the windows.
wistful
faraway look
I love the blues and whites... and that the seastar came from Ethan and my honeymoon
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These were another day, playing with different expressions. Seriously, I need kids or animals to play around with photo shoots with. They'd be cuter anyway.
me
wondering
thought
shy
The Lord is so good to me. I love the life and husband he has given me. I'm not sure, maybe I'm the only one, but I have a feeling I'm not alone in this... getting married is the most wonderful thing in the world, but it also uproots your entire life and thought system - in a good way. There's just something about starting your own "family" that makes you grow up and change. And there's also something about husband-wife love that makes you understand Christ and His love for you in a way you never did before. Or... at least for me it has.
~ Ashley L
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